Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Day the Earth Stomped Back

Our greatest attributes as human beings have always been our reckless pursuit of progress and our utterly irrational self-confidence using the fruits of progress.

Klaatu’s pretentious big sister civilization just doesn’t get that. Big sister? You get what I mean? Always thinking they know what’s best when really they’re just a couple years older than you and that’s all they’ve got on you. A big bunch of weenies is what they are.

Show up on our planet. Tell us you want to kill us. Leave a whole bunch of energy signatures and spacetime ripples that we can study. Then leave before you finish us off? Big mistake. Of course, our recklessness helps. Seems Klaatu’s wuss bags never had the guts to set off their version of the Super High Energy Extra-Large Hadron Annihilator. Probably afraid it would throw off their precious “ecological balance” or some such pansy wussery.

That means they don’t have a clue about extra-dimensional spacetime tunnels or singularity generation. I’ll guarantee you they haven’t even considered the kind of destruction we’ve got in store for them. Given that this will destroy not only entire worlds, but destabilize their solar systems and eventually cause them to become nothing but Hawkins radiating mini-singularity clouds, I doubt they’ve even thought of it.

The universe’s version of Greenpeace is in for a big surprise. Unlike whaling ships, the entire human race isn’t afraid to use all the destructive tools at our disposal. Man, if I had been on one of those whaling ships, I can tell you there would be a couple of harpoons headed for those rubber protest boats. Turns out most of those enviro-jerks were Klaatu people anyway, but you guys know that. Till next time!

Chief Gunnery Physics Officer on the USS Independence, Cliff Sutherland, signing off.

***
All right folks, we’ve picked up a huge signature in hyperspace near one of our “ears.” It looks like it might be Klaatu, or at least someone of the same rank and mission. Now, those “ears” are really just miniature extra-dimensional spacetime tunnels that allow us to pull in info into the stable bubble we’re located in.

Just in case you haven’t had a good explanation of how this works, let me throw this at you, Cliff style.

Klaatu’s people seem to have an understanding of simple relativistic spacetime and probably three or four of the “rolled up” dimensions. One of those is what we call hyperspace because it works pretty much like SciFi dweebers thought it would. Another “rolled up” dimension is what gives them that ridiculously annoying ability to disrupt electromagnetic phenomena above a certain strength. The other couple are just really easy to discover once you’ve got the first two.

Now, when we switched on our Super High Energy Extra-Large Hadron Annihilator, we physicists like to call her SHEELHA, we made some absolutely incredible discoveries that we’d only just begun to work out when Klaatu showed up. In fact, we think one of the reasons Klaatu showed up was that his people thought we were going to go all Tralfamadorian test pilot on the Universe with SHEELHA. But, hyperspatial travel isn’t instantaneous, so we’d already gotten SHEELHA running by the time he arrived.

That’s beside the point. It turns out that there are actually at least eleven accessible “rolled up” dimensions that aren’t apparent at typical energy levels. SHEELHA showed them all to us, and its only been a matter of exploring each one and its various effects and abilities.

As a Gunnery Physics Officer, the dimension that interests me most is obviously the Super Gravity Dimension.

Speaking of which, I’ve got to fire up the Gravity Node Unifying Tuner. I call him GNUT for short. He’s what’s going to give you folks at home the fireworks show when the time comes.

Chief Gunnery Physics Officer on the USS Independence, Cliff Sutherland, signing off.

***

Hello fellow citizens of the United States and all of our fellow humans around our globe. This is Captain Harold Bates of the USS Independence. We’ve just made sensor contact with a large ship of the same form that the alien Klaatu used to travel to the Earth. Now, there is no guarantee that this is actually Klaatu’s ship. It could well be a very similar but different ship like the one we detected a week ago. That other ship was slightly different in its dimensions and energy signatures, so you’ll remember we let it go without confronting them.

This contact though, is exactly the same dimensions and has exactly the same energy signature as the one which visited Earth and killed my parents when I was only five years old. I know many of you who have a very personal stake in this encounter, and of course, we all want to show these aliens that humans will run our planet as we see fit. The billions of dollars spent to create these Star Ripper class ships represent a significant investment by the USA and the world. So, watch carefully.

Of course, if you don’t want see someone ripped apart by the formation of tiny black holes in and around their body, I suggest you not watch.

I’ll put the general feed up so that you will get all the non-classified info we can send you.

Enjoy the show, I know I will.

Captain Harold Bates, USS INDEPENDENCE, signing off.

***

GENERAL INFO FEED: USS INDEPENDENCE

Main reactor output: 65.0%
Extra Large Hadron Ring Velocity: 82.4%
GNUT: ACTIVATED, 0% Harmonized
Sub-ether Dimensional Modulator: ACTIVATED, Alpha Configuration
All Subsystems reporting NORMAL

BRIDGE: Captain Bates to Communications, open the tunnel and insert the flea.

COMM: Aye aye, Captain.

COMM: Communications to Captain, flea inserted and feed linked to main display. You have an open channel Sir.

BRIDGE: Thank you Communications.

ALLSHIP: This is the Captain. I will now address the contact. All stations, follow scenario Gamma Victor X-Ray. Deviate only on direct command. This is what we’ve been training for people. Opening comms through the flea.

Flea XJ9AB1-TRANS: Klaatu? Is that you? You don’t have the same steely eyed appearance in your natural form. In fact, you resemble a bovine. Somehow I’m not surprised your race comes from vegetarian stock.

Flea XJ9AB1-REC: Braghabgac miratani mogasa?

Flea XJ9AB1-TRANS: Earth to Klaatu. Is that you, Klaatu? If not, take me to your leader.

Flea XJ9AB1-REC: Oh, yes, I went by Klaatu on Earth. I see you seemed to have advanced rapidly after I restored your technology. I’m sure that one solar revolution without technology helped to sober your species.

GNUT STATUS: 33% Harmonized

Flea XJ9AB1-TRANS: Yeah. We had things back up in about three months actually. Hyper-ether affects are actually pretty easy to unravel through the sub-ether. I don’t actually understand most of the physics involved, but from what we can tell, neither does your race.

GNUT STATUS: 66% Harmonized

Flea XJ9AB1-REC: Enough banter, have you arrived to submit to our authority and apply for a proper place in the United Civilizations of the Galaxy as directed by the mini-sphere that was sent to you? Or, must I return to your planet and show you why we are the masters of the galaxy.

GNUT STATUS: 100% Harmonized

Flea XJ9AB1-TRANS: Klaatu, you misunderstand.

GNUT STATUS: Pulse Mode Activated

Flea XJ9AB1-TRANS: We are the masters.

Flea XJ9AB1-REC: AAAaaaaAAgggghhhhaAARRRRAA!

Flea XJ9AB1-WARN: Gravitation Singularities Detected
Flea XJ9AB1-WARN: Local Gravity Threshold Exceeded
Flea XJ9AB1-WARN: External Biomatter Contamination Detected
Flea XJ9AB1-WARN: Systems Failures


ALLSHIP: Congratulations, crew. Primary mission accomplished. Now let’s hunt down a few more of members of Cosmic PETA and teach them truly complex life is far more valuable than the planets we grow up on.

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